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I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Cervical Cancer research and treatment discussions

I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Postby esmond » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:03 pm

Hey everyone.

This might be long so just bear with me.

So, basically I'm 20 years old, female, and I am wondering how I can get people to back off and accept the fact that I do not want children.

Mainly, it's my mum who's always asking me "when am I going to give her a grandchild" and then when I reply with "never" she gets upset and says "oh but you will someday, you'll find a husband and have kids". I feel bad being so brutally honest about it, but what does she want me to do? Lie and have her hoping forever that it is going to happen when it isn't?

I am an only child, and she has suffered 11 miscarriages and recently had to have a hysterectomy after having cervical cancer, so can no longer have kids of her own. So now, it seems like there is extra pressure on me to give her a grandchild.

I can understand her wanting me to give her grandchildren, she loves kids, but it just seems unfair that no one listens to me when I say I don't want them. I have a two year old godson, my best friend's baby, who I see on an almost daily basis and have done since the day he was born. This seems to add to the constant comments about "when am I going to have my own baby" because my parents and everyone know that I am good with kids. This is probably why they can't understand it when I flat out say "No, I don't want my own."

It's really bugging me. I know I am a woman and I'm "supposed" to feel like all I want from life is a family and a husband, but I just don't. I'm not gay, and I do hope to find a boyfriend and settle down, I just don't want to include children in that equation. I never have wanted that from life, never have felt the urge to have kids, and just plain don't want them in the future. I know my own mind, and it's frustating always being told that "i'll change my mind once i'm older" because I know that I wont.

I have nothing against children, or people who choose to have children, nor do I go upto women who want to have kids and start saying "oh but how do you know you want them? you might change your mind and want to remain childless in a few years!" so what gives everyone the right to do the same with me?

I'm sorry for the rant, but how can I get them to understand? I'm sick of telling them over and over that I won't change my mind and all I get is guilt - tripped that I am the only hope for "carrying on our bloodline" or whatever.

HELP! lol

Thanks
esmond
 
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I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Postby caerllion » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:06 pm

Tell them that when it comes down to it, it's your body, your life and your choice. They're not going to be the ones who'll have to feed and clothe your hypothetical child, or raise that child for 18 years minimum.

As to the "you'll change your mind" thing, I've always come back with "Sure. Just like one day you'll suddenly change your mind about marrying So-and-so" or something similar.

Comments will be inevitable, but as time passes they might get a clue that you're serious about this.
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I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Postby iver74 » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:08 pm

tell them what you wrote here
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I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Postby donalt » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:18 pm

Tell her that there are many children out there waiting for a home. If she wants any more, she can adopt.

Really, I don't think there's any way to get through to them. For most people like that, it doesn't really sink in until you're about 40 and can no longer have children.
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I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Postby sorley » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:24 pm

just don't tell them you don't want to have children.
you don't owe anyone an explanation. and they can't possibly know that you don't want to have kids unless you tell them. many people are married and want to have kids and they just can't. that kind of stuff is out of our hands. if you want to give some sort of explanation, just tell them it's up to God (if you believe there's a god)
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I don't want children - How can I get people to back off?

Postby mokovaoto » Mon Aug 22, 2011 10:30 pm

If you don't want kids, that's your deal. You just need to flat out tell people you don't want kids and that's none of their business.
If you decide that you do want children (Don't flip, I'm not saying you're going to want them) don't let the fact that you told everyone you wouldn't stop you. I know that I would have some doubts about my pride if I told everyone that I didn't want kids and then decided I wanted them. So don't be a me ^_^
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