I have had so many dogs. So many times have i had to go though the pain of losing one. It is never easy, and you will always second guess yourself.
We just love them so much, we are so afraid of robing them of one minute of life. We are so fearful that there was one more thing we could have done, one more day we could have spent with them. We worry that somehow, they will fault us for putting them down.
It haunts people like us. But, if it makes any difference, from a detached, outside observers point of view, you did what had to be done. You have nothing to feel guilty about, or shamed of.
In the wild, a pack of dogs, they never have to really go though anything like this. Their life spans are much shorter. And when a dog in a pack is about to die, they run away and hide. See one of the best survival tools a pack has is a high degree of mobility. They are also very loyal to each other. If the dying dog didn't run away, the pack would stay by their side until the dog died. It might take a long while. During which time the pack is in jeopardy. So, as fearful as death may be, the dying dog would rather face it alone, then put the pack in danger.
So, two things to consider. One, we ask your dogs to live a lot longer then they would in the wild. This is a human choice. Since we impose this burden upon the dogs, it is also only right that we do not prolong the pain and indignities of old age, to a point where our wanting to be with them cause them undo suffering.
Second, when death is coming, those final moment, the dog feels panicky, not because the fear death, but because their instinct tells them you are in danger, because you should not be there. They feel they are letting you down, they feel they should die alone, that the pack is immobile because of them. But when they finally die, they feel a sense of release, not just from the pain, but they feel they are no longer endangering the pack, they pack can go mobile again.
So what you see as "that look" that haunts you, it is not the dog hating you, it is not a mommy how could you, it is the dog worrying about you. That is just how little they think about themselves.
How could so loving, so nobel, so self sacrificing a creature, possibly have any ill will towards you for doing what is right. For lifting that extra burden off the dog that we have asked them to take on.
And, you will see her again. Long story, now is not the time for it, but I KNOW dogs have a soul and intelligence that goes beyond this life.
A Little Dog Angel (by: Noah M. Holland)
High up in the courts of heaven today
a little dog angel waits;
with the other angels she will not play,
but she sits alone at the gates.
"For I know my master will come" says she,
"and when she comes she will call for me."
The other angels pass her by
As they hurry toward the throne,
And she watches them with a wistful eye
as she sits at the gates alone.
"But I know if I just wait patiently
that someday my master will call for me."
And her master, down on earth below,
as she sits in her easy chair,
forgets sometimes, and whispers low
to the dog who is not there.
And the little dog angel cocks her ears
and dreams that her master's voice she hears.
And when at last her master waits
outside in the dark and cold,
for the hand of death to open the door,
that leads to those courts of gold,
she will hear a sound through the gathering dark,
a little dog angel's bark.
You will see her again. I hope the best for you, and will add you all (mommy, daddy & doggy) to my prayers.