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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Discuss Breast Cancer, one of the most common forms of cancer in the world today.

How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby lee » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:21 pm

I'm 20, married and expecting a baby is less than 5weeks. The cancer dr told me and mom yesterday that there was nothing else they could do, I asked about my baby's cord blood and they said it wouldn't help her. My mom has known about her cancer since I was in the 5th grade. It started out as breast (stage 2 then) they thought they got it but by the time they realized it, it had already progressed to stage 3, she has been in stage 4 for a really long time, she is about to be 43 in october. She is scared, not of dying, but what her passing will do to me and my older brother. Neither me or my brother will cry in front of momma, but I finally broke down today (by myself in a room of coarse) idk what to do, I depend on mom so much, she is the only one who really gets me and the only one who can help sooth my nerves when I find a lump or anything. I'm absolutely terrified and don't want to sound like I feel sorry for myself (thus me asking this to strangers). I'm so scared, I don't want to have to know what its like without her here, but don't want her to have to suffer anymore. Iv prayed my whole life for her, but I guess its just not in his will. Please help me figure out how to cope
lee
 
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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby maccoll35 » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:22 pm

The only thing I can tell you to do is talk to your mom about your fears and enjoy the time you do have left together. I lost my mother to cancer just last year and I'm still dealing with it. But it did help me to talk to my mom and keep her and our family close.
maccoll35
 
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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby avonmore » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:25 pm

you are already very strong, and stay strong you sitll have child coming! The best you could do is to cherish all the moments you have with her, i know you are terrified, but even though if your mother passes away, you sitll have a very bright future. I had my grandmother pass away, it was hard, but i knew if she knew that i wasen't grieving all over her she would be happier. Infact i have gotten better grades ever since she passed away.
so stay strong and i hope the best for you.
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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby edward » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:39 pm

It's one of the hardest things you'll ever face. Be honest about it. It's not something you can prepare for or deal with easily, don't think or pretend you can. Spend as much time as you can. Talk to her and make sure she knows how much you love her and most important be sure to tell her that you will be okay and that you will take care of the others around you. Sorry you need to deal with this.
edward
 
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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby harman » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:40 pm

1.You probably spend a lot of time trying to make your mother feel upbeat and good. You should do that if she's feeling particularly down or afraid. But in general, I think you should just be yourself.

Your mother is suffering from a deadly disease. She knows what the consequences might be. She also knows that you're terribly scared, because she knows how much you love her.

It is only natural to be afraid. So accept it. The people who have seen their parents suffer from cancer unanimously say that it is better to be your natural self. If at some points you find some hope, you'll certainly tell her so, and will try to cheer her up for that, like you're doing. But don't make her feel something that you don't feel. I mean, do not pretend and do not give her any false hope. This will make you feel exactly as you're feeling now-empty and devoid of energy.

2. Talk to her like you'd talk to her under ordinary circumstances, I mean forgetting, for those particular minutes/hours that you spend talking to each other, that she has cancer. Talk to her as any daughter talks to her mother.

3. Make sure you let her know HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER. Do as much as you can for her. Spend as much time as you can, together.

4. Find out what are the things she likes or wants. Try to fulfill as many of her wishes or longings as you can. This will give you a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment.

5. When a woman is ill like that, usually the biggest worry for her is the safety and wellbeing of her children. So let her know you're alright, you're strong and you're capable of taking care of yourself.

6. Another very important thing that you can do is finding a community of people who are like you. You can do this by googling cancer support group', and then finding one in your locality. If you can find one that is suitable for you, you'll get the answers to many of your questions simultaneously. First of all, you'll meet people who have gone through situations which are either like yours or are much worse than yours. This will give you support and the courage to go on. The sense of having similar people around you is often a powerful motivator in itself.

Also, you'll be able to talk to them about your situation without any embarrassment, cause they are the people who have gone through it-they will understand.

Second, if you're in doubt regarding anything related to your mother's illness, these people will be able to help you by sharing their experiences, i.e. what they did in similar situations, etc.

Third, you'll make friends. Yes, this is the place where you'll be able to make true friends. That's because they already know what you're going through-you already have something very important in common. This will ease your feeling of loneliness and helplessness.

Even if you're unable to find such a community near you, you can join an online community.

Also, you can post your questions in yahoo answers. Phrase it like this: "My mother is ill with cancer. It's getting worse. What do I do?" Trust me, within hours you'll get about 20 replies. In those replies you'll find how many other people have suffered what you're suffering, how they've handled it, and above all, how much they feel for you, and want to give you support for being someone like them. (This happens on Yahoo answers. I've seen this.)

7. If possible, try to find some time for yourself. It can be a very short period of 20 minutes or half an hour. This is when you'll do what you love, or something that will help your mind relax. You can watch TV for a while, read your favorite books, or listen to calm, soothing music. This will help you recharge yourself, especially at the end of the day, if you feel all your energy has drained out.

When someone is going through a difficult situation, taking your mind off the current problem for a few minutes often helps.
8. Most importantly, don't EVER become negative
harman
 
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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby mukonry68 » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:44 pm

Oh honey, I am so sorry, for all of you. It is very normal to feel sorry for yourself. We are the ones left behind to miss the people we loved. The heartache can be devastating if we let it. Spend as much time as you can with mom now. Why not have her write a letter to her new grandchild to be put away and read when that child can understand how much his grandma loved him/her? Have her record something for you to listen to after she is gone, to help you feel better. Before my dad died he wrote the story of his life, complete with pictures. We had it copied, bound in book form and given to all the members of our family. It is such a cherished thing. When I miss him badly I get his book out and reread the chapter he wrote about my birth etc...it is soooo funny! Don't be scared hon. I'm certain you will take mom along your life's path, in your heart.
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How do I deal with my mother dying?

Postby celestine » Wed Sep 14, 2011 3:52 pm

Most of all dying patients I have dealt with are concerned about the details of the things they are leaving behind . In terms of relationships , finances,and the lives that are affected by Their leaving early . It is always hard to lose someone close to you and many times we have no warning .. In this case you have the time to tell her everything you feel and work out the things she would want taken care of and how you should do those things. All of this can be discussed with lots of love in the way that she feels those details will be taken care of and that you love her and her love will be with you always ,.As doctors we try to take away suffering and help with dignity when the body starts failing . The coping with the loss itself needs to be dealt with someone you trust in a spiritual manner..prayer helps and the why is always answered in ways that God reveals to you on a personal level the answer comes if the question remains asked ..although the answers sometimes come slowly..I am truly sorry for your loss that will come and keep celebrating every moment you have with your mother now....
good luck
celestine
 
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