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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Cervical Cancer research and treatment discussions

Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Rong » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:22 am

I am a 32 year old single mom of two children, 5 and 3.5.
(No need for the responses about being "legal" here!)

A friend of mine set me up on a blind date with a friend of hers, who is 47, to get out and have a life for once.
I wasn't really into the dating thing, but went out anyway.
We just clicked.
Really clicked, not just a little.
We are very compatible as a couple and we are great friends, which is the basis of a great marriage!

Well, it now seems that the next step is to discuss what the future would be like for us.


We have two challenges to address, so you understand the big picture.

First, should the age difference matter? There's 15 years between us. I know that right now we on the same page, but will we be when I am 42 and he is 57, 52/67, etc.
We really enjoy each other's company and it seems like that would grow over the years.

My mom says, "I have friends who are married to older men and now they have seniors on their hands and are dealing with health problems, etc." - Okay Mom, but that could happen in any relationship.
It could be me who has the health problems, like another friend of mine who now is fighting cervical cancer.
She is the younger in her relationship and the older man is taking care of her.

Second, the bigger issue we are addressing the potential "step-children".
He has no children and so he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids and therefore isn't completely comfortable.

We are now discussing how to work through family issues and what his role would be instead of boyfriend, what would it be like to be a step dad and getting him used to a role that he's never played in his life.

My question to you, is the age thing something I should look past, like I am now? Does it really matter if the couple is very compatible?

Second, any advice for helping plan the new role of being a potential step-dad to the kids? How to ease the transition and help him feel more comfortable around them.


Thanks in advance for caring answers.
:D
Rong
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Casswallawn » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:23 am

There are 10 years between my fiance and myself, and I never even think about it.
It's the healthiest, most positive relationship I can ever imagine.

That being said, he has a 15 year old son that I'm developing a relationship with.
The best advice I can give you, (from someone who has been where your boyfriend is going) is to take it slow.
You may find you have a desire to have an insta-family (it's natural, my fiance did), but all that will do is make him dig in his heels against it.
He's going to need time, and the freedom to move at his own pace with regards to your children.
Expect lots of conversations about the rules--they're your children, so you're making them! Let him enforce YOUR rules, but don't ask him to make them.
Take him into consideration, of course, but you have to realize (especially if he'll be dealing at all with the children's father) that it may be easier for him to just follow your lead.

It just takes time, my fiance does everything he can to make sure I'm comfortable and happy, this includes making sure his son treats me with respect.

Good luck!
Casswallawn
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Woodley » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:25 am

Hey if you love him and are willing to commit to him for the rest of your life then go for it. Age really isn't that big of a difference and if he is willing to respect you even though you are younger than all the more power to you!

But, one thing that I will say, is that regarding your kids, you want to make sure that you are on the same page with him when it come to disciplinary measures. You don't want him resenting your kids because he thinks that you don't discipline them enough or something...if you have read these boards long enough at least a few people will come and post about their unruly step-kids.
Woodley
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Eorlson » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:28 am

Thank you so much for all of your kind comments.
I really appreciate them.

My ex-husband is in the picture, but he's a good guy.
We divorced because I could not be on his roller coaster anymore due to bipolar depression.
I did that for 10 years and we are better off apart for myself and for the normal development of the children.


Their father and I have remained friends, just better off not married.
Eorlson
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Fahy » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:30 am

Being a stepmom, I can see where you are coming from.
I have 3 stepkids and it took a lot of time to get use to that.
When I met my husband I was 20 and he was almost 28.
For me to be a 20 year old with 3 kids was hard! Even if it wasnt full time.
I think with him being older it will be easier to step into the "dad" role.
The biggest part is for you to help the kids understand they have to treat him with respect.
If they are really close to their real dad it may be hard on them. Just explain to your boyfriend that it takes time.
Maybe send him and the kids to the park one day and just let them bond.


As for the age, my husband is 32 and I am 24, so i dont think age is a big deal.
Good luck in your decision and I hope all works out.
Fahy
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Hartwood » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:33 am

I think I agree that the age issue doesn't matter as much as long we mesh together well, and we do.


He agrees that a relationship is like 90% friendship and 10% everything else.

So now just finding ways to let him grow and feel more comfortable with the kids.
I guess it starts with talking about his concerns, then we'll see what we need to address.
Hartwood
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Calder » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:34 am

That's not a huge age difference and I don't think it matters. Men never really grow up anyway, right ;) Seriously, I wouldn't let the age difference stop you.

Being a step parent is very difficult so you need to be really understanding with him. Make sure issues around discipline, house rules etc are out in the open and discussed. I know how hard it can be because I am a step parent who has no rights to discipline a step child who is allowed to get away with murder and my partner wont discuss it. If you can get through that and all the other issues that arise in relationships you'll be fine. Why walk away from a wonderful relationship because of what the future may or may not hold? Don't worry what anyone tells you about the age difference. It is none of their business and you can make it work!
Calder
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Doane » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:36 am

Here is the real issue, and it isn't age, because you would probably grow together and might not even notice the difference very much considering how gracefully a lot of people age these days.


The problem I would be really concerned with is his lack of experience with children and how uncomfortable he is.
You need to address that by including him as much as possible in family settings, especially when things aren't going well.
Then see how well he acclimates.
Cause beleive me if you marry someone who finds the kids irritating, you won't feel so compatible and friendly toward him for long.
Doane
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Abner » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:38 am

1. age is a #, assigned by (who knows who did that to us).

but, something to think about with this is, he will retire before you, his health will fail, before yours, He will look like your "dad", someday! And you will (by statics), out live him!

2. Step-kids is a whole different story! If he is a kind,gentle man (by nature), it may not be a problem. If there is an X involved,(running interference), in the back ground, this can make it a real mess! Will he be included in the decisions of religion, discipline, etc,.etc,! It will be your job to teach, encourage, and insist that the kids respect him and his decisions!

3. I was a single DAD of 3 for 15 years, I didn't want my kids subjected to a 'STEP MOMMY", whom I feared wouldn't look out for their best interests! And we did great, it was tough at times! but we made it through!

4. Will there be child support ot help pay for their needs & wants, or will he have to foot the bill for it all!

5. I married a lady (after my kids were in college), w/2 kids, with a "mean-vile, dad) in the back ground! Always running interference, in all things! I told my lady, "I'll help raise the kids, but, I'll not pay the bill for it"! Her X made $100K, and I made $45K, and he did, only Thru the court! with extreme resentment! He always tried to say what the $$ was to be spent for! The kids had everything they needed, and most of what they wanted!

6. Make a list of concerns, answer each concern in writing w/him, to help relief any questions he may have!

7. Her kids and mine now all have degrees, and good incomes!

they love their dad, but love and respect me more than him! It's all about how YOU handle it!

8. We have 14 grankids (hers+mine), and they love and respect she and I! Life is good, because ground rules were established early on!

GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!!!
Abner
 
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Does Age Matter In A Relationship? Also, Step-children Involved...?

Postby Welch » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:39 am

Age does make a difference! and you are right to look down the road as you have and to determine what life will be like for both of you.

Children are usually the cause of problems in a marriage like this and it comes from many different avenues.


Can he accept them as his own children? Can they accept him as their Dad? Can you give him the right to be their dad in everything including discipline?

Another thing to consider is have you taken care of the problems from your first marriage? What led to your divorce? Usually, you will soon find th same problems you had in your first marriage creeping into your second marriage unless you fix the problems before you remarry.


How about him? has he been married before? Has he dealt with the problems that caused his breakup?.

I would strongly recommend you seeking out a good Christian marriage counselor and going through a premarital counseling program before you marry.

You can usually find one by looking in your phone book under Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist churches and calling their pastor. He will either have a program or know of one.

If you would like more information on any of this, my mail is listed on my profile and is open.

Sincerely,

Greybeard
Welch
 
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